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I’m not entirely happy with the way things are going right now. I’ve been using the neighbour’s internet again. That ‘all of the time’ of two days ago was quite short then. I mean yes, we’ve got certain needs as human beings, but come on, thirty days should be managable? It’s not like that was the main timewaster today though. I’ve slept away the morning of course, because the night was long. But then I couldn’t get started again, just like yesterday. I’ve just been reading a bit, shaving, having a proper shower which I hadn’t done in two days. Then I cooked a meal, went grocery shopping and finally I worked a little bit on ‘TV’ again. The size of that song is kinda outgrowing me right now.

So I have to do something. The next free day I have should be used to its full potential. So I’m going to do something fairly new to me: planning! The next three days I have to go into my day job again, so not a lot will be accomplished on those days. But what I can do, is make sure that I’m well rested and that as many chores and trivial stuff are out of the way for Sunday, when I can dedicate a whole day to music again. That being well rested will prove difficult because the next two days work will start exceptionally early for me, so I probably won’t be able to get all the sleep I need. Also, I’m going to hang out with some friends on Friday night, which will probably cut into my sleeping time too. But then again I will be so knackered after work on Saturday, that I’ll probably go to bed early and be well rested on Sunday. Let’s do it that way. Meanwhile I’ll make sure I’m going to clean the house tomorrow after work, so everything will be ready. Et voila. A planning.

Another completely internetless  day. Still, it took me until six o’clock to start working. Then I worked straight to 3 am, without even stopping for a meal. So I ended up living this whole day on a few slices of bread, some sweets and a bag of kroepoek. It’s running or standing  still with me.

Still, I can’t feel sad about it. Although I’m not one to force into a certain pattern, I’m getting things done now. ‘TV’ progressed nicely today. But all in all, you can’t live many days like this in a row. You’ll have to get food and clean and do all the other trivialities. For now I’ll just let go. Maybe later on in this experiment I can start thinking about discipline again. At this moment, only the results matter. And they’re fine.

Day started off a bit weird. Got up at my dad’s, had breakfast, he took me to the train station and then I traveled home. When I got home I was tired because of getting up early, so I wasn’t productive at all. I read some, slept some, read some, slept some and then watched some Torchwood. Then it was time to get to work, and now I’m in bed again. I’m going to try to fall asleep early, because Thursday and Friday I have to work very early, so I’d better change my rhythm to that in advance. Tomorrow and Wednesday I’m free, so time to get some work done on the album again! I’m hoping I’ll get close to finishing ‘TV’.

I cheated a little bit again. The knowledge that there’s an open connection around sometimes wriggles its way into my consciousness, and then after some time I can’t resist the temptation. Of course I could ask the neighbour to shut down their connection, but I think this whole project is about getting control. Of course it’s easy to have control when there aren’t any temptations. The knowledge that it’s not my connection tempers it enough to not use it like I used my own. I also can’t access it from my main pc. But still, it’s a temptation and I guess it feels good that I’m resisting it most of the time. Let’s go for all of the time.

Did some laundry and then spent the rest of the day visiting my dad and his wife. Had a very pleasant evening. So pleasant that I missed the last train home and ended up spending the night there.

Visiting family is one of the things you get to do when you’ve detached yourself from the blue screen. It’s one of the three-dimensional social things you tend to forget while you’re wasting your life there. Real human interaction is the most wonderful way to feel alive.

I cheated a bit. Checked train times through my upstairs neighbour’s connection. Couldn’t resist to do some other stuff as well. But timewise it was quite harmless, so let’s just forget about that.

Today was one of those annoying days at work. Luckily afterwards I got to spend some time with a friend. Watching a movie, playing a board game. Good times. Always when I do such stuff I think of how rarely I do it and that I should do it more.

The thing is, when you’ve been closing yourself up in your room all your life, you’re not likely to have a lot of friends. I’m lucky to have some very good ones, but I don’t think I’m spending enough time with them.

There are definitely some people in my life I’d like to see more, and I know they feel the same about me. But there are always excuses to just not do it. Distance is quite a big one in my case. Some of the school mates I’d like to see more live in another city (because my school was there). Even in my own town, I still live quite a long way away from friends. Also, time is a big excuse. I’ve always got the feeling I’m behind on stuff, so whenever I’ve got some free time, I’d rather spend it on my music than on my friends.

But those are just excuses. Sometimes I even think I’m making them up so I don’t have to deal with the stress of calling someone, seeing if they have time to see me, working out a date. I don’t know what causes that stress. Insecurity, shyness. There were times that I thought I was unique in that aspect, but I found out many people deal with that. It takes time to feel comfortable enough with people to really feel confident they will like it when you call them. And that you’ll have at least a pleasurable time with them. Nothing as awkward as inviting someone over and then finding out it just doesn’t gel.

I’ve always been fascinated by the dynamics of social situations. The Beatles’ engineer Geoff Emerick once wrote that it was nice to work with one Beatle, better to work with two, great to work with three, but when there were four of them, something magical happened. The ranks were closed, and as an outsider you could only observe them, see their chemistry produce utter brilliance. I’ve felt sorts of those different group dynamics. I’ve been in groups that would blend together perfectly when all of the members were in one room. When one of them was missing though, the balance was gone. I could even have fun with one of them when the others were around, and feel completely lost for words with exactly the same person in a one on one situation. The other way round is possible too. You can feel totally at ease with a friend when you’re alone with them, but when someone else joins the two of you, even if it’s someone you really like as well, the magic is broken.

And I don’t like it when the magic breaks. I think I’m always looking for that magic. Always looking for a best friend, or a partner. So I get disappointed a lot. And usually, when I don’t feel the magic, I can’t find the energy to keep trying to just have a pleasurable time. It’s magic or nothing with me. That’s not very helpful when you’re trying to make a living as a musician.

When you want to get better at something, you have to practice. That also goes for making friends. Just another reason why it’s time for me to finish this album and get on the road. Radiohead said: “Meeting people is easy.” So far, I don’t agree with them. But I’m ready to start trying.

I feel a bit more tired right now. A full day of work isn’t nothing. But to come home to a cd of Raven Zoe and a nice cool drink makes me want to start typing right away.

I just saw a guy in the middle of a zebra crossing, standing still, looking at his phone, totally away from the world. I couldn’t help but chuckle. I mean, why? Can’t you just enjoy a walk without being immersed in the trivialities of other people?

The trouble with mobile internet, especially on phones, is that the reason why we resort to it is seldomly a good one. Because when we’re busy doing things we like or that are necessary, we don’t have time to think of Twitter or Facebook . The only times we take out our phones, are when we’re bored. There’s nothing to do, so let’s just grab the phone and see what’s happening to other people. Of course, all these other people do the same, so basically what everyone gets to see are the most uneventful and boring fragments of each other’s lives.

So I propose the following: only grab your phones when you’ve got something truly interesting to say. And when you have to browse the net when bored: don’t type anything. It will be boring to read. Always ask yourself: ‘Would I like reading this and reacting to it?’, before you hit ‘enter’.

If everyone would do this, the internet would be 95 percent smaller. Just take a moment to think what an incredible amount of server space that would save. And energy. And CO2. So please think of the future of your grandchildren before you hit ‘enter’. And leave that phone home when you take a walk. Sunset was beautiful today.

Two days is a reasonable gap. There were no people wondering if I had killed myself in my mailbox so far. So I’ll keep it at that and probably won’t fuss if it gets three or four days sometimes. All people that are most close to me have my phone number anyway. And since my new simple little phone doesn’t require a daily recharge, I’m way more likely to answer incoming calls.

All in all this is starting to feel more like a win-win situation every day. I had a full day at work today, so that’s almost ten hours away from home. On such days I usually would’ve flung my lifeless body onto my desk chair and clicked away until my eyes closed. Now, I came home, made a set list for live gigs, and sang all the songs on that list, some even twice. After that I did the dishes, then I worked some more on ‘TV’, and now I’m here, writing again. I’m feeling so much better!

Even at work I already felt more concentrated. Not being distracted by Twitter and e-mail on my phone apparently helps a lot. And it’s not just the absence of that distraction right there. My state of mind has already significantly changed. It really feels like a mist that has clouded my mind for years is finally being lifted.

Anxiety levels have lowered too. There’s still some, somewhere around my stomach, but a lot less than yesterday. No hint of any belly beavers anymore. And that without the endorphins of internet sex. Like I said, the body adapts swiftly.

The creative beast inside me is starting to rear its head again. I feel all kinds of plans starting to get shape somewhere inside my head. I think I should take it slow and wait a bit. Write down stuff that might be worth working on later. But for now, it’s pretty straightforward: work on my music until my album’s finished. After that I’ll start planning.

I should have a planning day in the near future. Just sit down and put everything in my head to paper.

First totally internet-free day. I’m quite aware right now that on this laptop, internet is only one click away, but I don’t want to make that click. Mainly because I’m benefiting from this thing. So far, I’ve had three productive days, working very focused on my song ‘TV’. This is probably the most laborious song on the album, but so far I don’t mind all the labour, because it’s paying off. Not only in results and progress, but also in the shape of a general feeling of accomplishment, which is nice.

Besides that, there’s also some anxiety building up. As of yet I can’t shake off the feeling that I might be missing stuff. Or maybe it’s just withdrawal. Because I can’t really say I’m missing anything so far. But of course things have changed quite radically, so I guess my body needs to adjust.

It really actually might be a physical thing. I’ll spare you the details, but I have to admit that, being a single household, quite a large percentage of my internet time is spent on sex. And while they say that masturbation’s healthy and stuff, too much of something is never good. I think it’s quite possible to get addicted to the natural high it brings. Absence of internet stimuli probably hugely decreases endorphin and other happy hormone Ievels in my body, so I might be more vulnerable to stress and anxiety. But the body is a great adaptor, so I’ll probably go through some rough time and then it will find a new balance. Time will tell.

Which brings me to the real evil of the internet: it can fool single people into believing that they have a real life. Internet brings everything: entertainment, social interaction, business opportunities. You can even order your groceries on the internet now. Our society has evolved to the point where we don’t need to leave the door to feel human anymore. It’s even possible to have genuine friendships with people you only know through the digital highway. And of course, when it comes to sex, there’s every possibility you can ever dream of.

The evil thing is that it fools you just enough to keep you inside and glued to your screen. People who live in multiple person households don’t have this problem. They have people knocking on their bedroom door. Joint meals. Coffee, tea, shared watching of a movie, games. Real interaction. But a single person doesn’t have these outside stimuli. And what’s more, they have become dependent on the internet to get something that resembles the social interaction that other people automatically get. But only just resembles it.

You have to have lots of willpower to get to the level of real social interaction people in multiple person households get naturally. You’ll have to turn off the computer, call other people and visit them. But the thing is, you lose a certain casualness when you arrange stuff like that. You’re still a single person who’s just visiting. After a while you’ll go home again, and it’ll be silent. And it’s that silence that will make you turn on that thing again. In desperate need of some interaction.

I’ve always been quite good at being alone. I spent most of my teen years alone in my room. But the difference back then was that there were six other people just outside my door. My mother always had meals ready at set times. My dad was always there when I came home from work late to have a nice chat. My brothers were always around to generally be silly with. I miss that. I’ve always missed that. To the point where I got addicted to a surrogate of that feeling.

The thing is, it will never be more than a surrogate. I’ve spent years of my life settling for that level of wellbeing. You know, it’s just ok, and I’m young, and being free has its benefits, and sure, someday I’ll start a family and be really happy. But that ‘someday’ is never going to happen if you keep saying it. You have to make it happen.

So that’s what I’m trying to do now. Sure, I might cut off some lines that I cherish. But I’m not strong enough to go online just for those lines. The other shit will come with it. I need to learn that the internet is not my life. So I’m starting from scratch. I need to build my life up from zero. Working on this album all by myself really is something I need to do. I need to know that I can do this. Only to never do it again.

Because when this album is finished, I’m going to work my ass off to share it with as many real-life people as I can. I want to play real shows for real people. Talk with them over drinks until the small hours. Meet amazing people, make friends, find a partner. It’s always been about that. I think that’s why I started making music in the first place. To connect with people. Real people. I think music is a great mirror of your soul. If you connect with someone musically, something magical is happening. That won’t happen online. I can get forty comments on every song that say it’s brilliant, but it doesn’t do anything for me. I’m sorry subscribers, followers, fans and the like, but the only way I can appreciate a musical connection is when I’m looking into the eyes of the listener. Seeing one person truly engulfed in my music when I’m performing makes me forget anything else. That’s what I’m living for. I’ve just been lulled into forgetting that for a while. But not anymore.

And it's a 30 Day Project!

Bought a phone without internet so people can still reach me, while decreasing the chance of me wasting time online. Just before typing this I found an open WiFi connection of a neighbour though. Spent way too much time checking my e-mail. Guess I’m gonna have to stay away from my laptop, because I can’t physically switch off internet on this thing. Too much temptation.

On the other hand, I’m feeling so good about the progress I made on ‘TV’ that I’m already starting to see internet as an intrusion. I want to stay this focused. Maybe get even more focused, as I’m still having some trouble keeping watching TV-series at bay. I should find other ways to relax than watching a screen. I’m already looking at my screen enough while I’m working. Probably take more walks or bike rides.

I find it particularly hard to not watch a screen while eating. I should have something to read for meals. It’s incredibly boring to do nothing but eat. Also, it’s counterproductive to watch a screen while doing housework. I found myself doing the dishes way slower because I constantly tried to keep an eye on the screen.

I can conclude that so far, my days haven’t been entirely internet-free. I’m wondering what’s a reasonable gap between two checks of e-mail. Should I take the laptop to work tomorrow? Should I use the neighbour’s connection more? I think I’d best ignore the last one and check my mail at work. But since I’ve already just checked it, I think it might be better to leave the laptop home tomorrow. I think two days are a reasonable gap.

Coming days, I’m going to elaborate on why it’s harder for a single household to try to keep the temptations of modern technology at bay.

Also, I want to discuss perfectionism and its influence on every project I work on.

And there’s time management, sometimes combined with perfectionism. A lot to discuss. These are just reminders. Bear with me.

Checked my mail via phone. Turned out not to be that necessary. I miss the weather report. Knowing what to expect when you step outside is one of the blessings of having internet everywhere. I guess I’ll just have to pack my raincoat preventively.

Worked on ‘TV’ all day. Watched two episodes of Torchwood, and got lost in looking for captain Jack Harkness in Doctor Who episodes. I guess keeping my external hard drive connected is counterproductive as well.